honey when i look at the pictures of you, i just couldnt stop my tears from trickling down my cheek. my heart pumps harder and stronger that it hurts. ive got goosebumps all over me. i couldnt breathe. my eyes become blurry. i couldnt hear any sound.

honey how ive missed you so much. why does it have to be like this? why do we have to break up? why does it have to end like this? in a failure? we were so good and comfortable around each other. we were close like we were best friends, like we were brothers and sisters. i was soo into you. in fact i still am.

honey it gives me chills everytime i look at ur pictures. part of me is angry. part of me just wants to chop off ur head. part of me is sad. but theres a big part of me that is happy. being able to see you again, even in pictures. i wonder how u would feel when u look at mine. i wonder if u even looked.

honey i used to cant imagine life without you. but now im living through it. though its hell to be going thru this but im still living, day by day like a normal human being. like nothing happened. im being strong. and im being independant. i have motivation and i have courage now, thanks to you. i gained strength. i gained much love. all thanks to you.

honey i want you to know that all these things i said are not a sign of my weakness. though i still cry, still get angry, still get frustrated, cant u see that i am no longer weak. im strong. and hard. as a rock. but why do i still whine? why do i still cry?

honey let me tell you something. all these feelings that i have, all the anger, sadness, happiness, all these mixed feelings, they made me feel alive. made me feel real. made me feel humane. i remember u used to call me patung. and i used to wonder, was it that i dont have any feelings, or i dont respond?

i miss you dear. i miss you and i want you syg. i counted, and its been 235 days. 8 months has passed. yet the love i feel for you does not fade, not even a bit.
with my courage, my strength, my patience, and my love, i hope i can wait for you. i hope i dont exhaust myself with all these feelings inside of me. afterall im strong enough to be going through this all on my own.

im sorry sayang. im sorry. with all my heart, im sorry.

Smile tho your heart is aching, smile eventho its breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by, if you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile and maybe tomorrow u'll see the sun come shining thru for you. Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, altho a tear maybe ever so near, thats the time you must keep on trying. Smile! whats the use of crying, u'll find that life is stillworth while, if you'll just smile.

and here i am, smiling through a wonderful world.

Ive always wanted my boyfriend to sing me songs. Like I used to say in one of my blog entry 4 years ago title I Love You. This is how it goes...


Currently, I dont wanna be questioning the who. Because I already have the answer.
Currently, I am miserable. Sometimes worse than I used to be.

Tonight I will sing to you Mocca's My Only One


And as I sing this to you, maybe someday you'll sing to me I Loved You Tonight by John West.

I'll wish upon a falling star. And someday, it'll be a dream come true.

Aku wanita punya hati nurani
Yang tak dapat dibohongi
Pabila cinta telah membutakan mata
Dan membuat tuli telinga

Apakah salah jika aku menyinta
Apakah salah jika engkau ternyata
Pilihan hati belahan jiwaku ini

Cintaku ini anugerah terindah
Dari yang Maha Kuasa
Cintaku padamu tak pernah berubah
Meskipun kita berbeza

Aku wanita aku kaum hawa
Yang memang rapuh hatinya
Aku wanita aku punya cinta
Selayaknya manusia

Satu yang aku mahu
Aku wanita
Yang hanya perlu kau fahami

Jadi,
Apakah salah jika aku menyinta
Apakah salah jika engkau terima
Pilihan hati belahan jiwaku ini

I'm sorry I still love you.

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you

If I were to be alone,
silence would rock my tears

Cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you, they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking

No.
I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes
Cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared
That even my own breath could burst if it were a bubble
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists

And again, 
I put my arms around you
Hoping that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they're always on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me
.

I don't mind that you’re someone that ain't mine
Cause you're someone that I once had
And you don't know how hard I've tried
To convince myself that I can easily forget

I won't lie
I still can't say that I admit we went too far
And you still won't see me change my mind
But I really wish that I could forget the way you are

You left this feeling here inside me
One that never fails to find me
And the battle in my mind still fights me

I can see that you're no longer beside me
But I still feel you shine inside of me

Because,
On a rainy Monday
I feel it inside of me
Like the days of summer
In the hopes of one day


.nothing is wrong on a rainy Monday.
.cause i feel the warmth of your kiss on this rainy monday.


out of the bearded barley, i kiss him smoothly.
shining every rainy Monday.

.....
...
.

It started out as a feeling. Which then grew into a hope. Which then turned into a quiet thought. Which then turned into a quiet word. And then that word grew louder and louder. Til it was a battle cry. Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before. Now we're back to the beginning, it's just a feeling that no one knows yet. But just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget. So let your memories grow stronger, til they're before your eyes. So you will come back when they call you. There's no need to say goodbye.

Hey love.
Did I bother you again?
Did I interrupt?
I only know how to pretend
With a small talk and such
Could you taste my nervousness?
Could you sense my fear?
My mouth feels dry and I confess
I don't think that I've been clear
I think I should apologize
Cos I have made a big mistake
I think I misunderstood
And there's too much now at stake
Because I'm looking for love
Too much looking for love
And love, love, love
I thought it was you
Yes love, I really thought it was you
Its too much now at stake
I ruined love.

And today,
Beauty that I have is brighter than before.
As I let go of my trembled hands, I feel salvation under my breath.
As i let go of me, i let go of my atonement.

And in the blues, in the reds. I secretly miss him still. Forever will. Always will.
.

I have been sitting here for hours. Trying to figure out what can be the best thing to write as my first sentence after a long break. 1 month to be exact. I lost the rhythm of writing, blogging. I have been typing and backspacing repeatedly many times. Unfortunately, I have been sitting here for hours turns out to be the best I can come out with.

Today was my first day of Year 4 in School of Dental Sciences. So, I have officially started my Phase III of Dentistry in USM. A couple of introductions had been made by several Doctors and staffs. So briefly, for the first 4 weeks, we will be having four Medical Sciences posting (medicine, surgery, paediatric, radiology). Everyday we will travel to Hospital Kota Baru and will be staying there from 7.30am to 5.30 pm. Seniors said medical doctors in HKB are tough and strict. I hope and pray everything goes well for me.

I received a call from Siti. She seems to be OK. Im happy for her. She's very determined to start a successful path as a law student in UUM. And she will get every support from me. Because I love her to death. And i miss her so much. But im a big sister and I am supposed to be experienced in being distant. So I will be her big sister, and give her the love and the support she needed. After all, if she ever needs a family member there, i will only be 6hours away.

I wouldn't dare say how my holidays went. But it was simply simple and casual.

To be honest, i miss him. I miss talking, laughing, hanging out, smiling with him. I miss him. Everything about him. My best friend. My almost lover. And here I am, staying strong. Siti needs me to be strong. My patients need me to be strong. My family and friends want me to be strong. He wants me to be strong. I wanna be strong. Sometimes I feel like its Ok to miss him. But its not OK for me to miss him and cry. Because theres nothing sad about missing him and I shouldn't cry. I'm proud and happy to love him. I will stay happy as long as I love him. And so my day fills with smiles and laughters as long as I love him. He means everything to me. He means my life. And its OK to be alone. I know I am.

"Almost Lover"

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
You told me you'd never ever leave
But when you left, you kissed my lips
And suddenly you're gone

I cannot have my meal for lunch
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

The water is rushing in
I feel it on my skin
Our boat is sinking now
I wake up and grab my things
As the waves keep rolling in
I ask myself
“Oh what’s the point?”
“What’s the point of it all?”
“What’s the point?”

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Give me heart, just give me hope
Give me love, just give me warmth
Give me all I never knew
Give me something to hold on to

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

today. it rains, it glooms, it cools, it soothes
today. i miss, i smile, i crave, i surfeit
today he comes, tomorrow he goes
today like any other day,
i miss him again.

My condition is bad. The situation is worsening. It had reached the point where I seek my father for guidance and help. Purpose of life isn't all about duniawi. Of course it helps us in the way of living in the present, and finding happiness. But none is for eternity. Love, money, passion, hobby, properties. They will all burn in the heat of Qiamat. Even our very own blood shed, pieces of meat and dry bone will all turn to dust. And what remains is our way back to Him.

For the past 3 years. I was involved in an intimate relationship with a non family member. Somehow, I know, feel and treasured him like my very own blood shed, my very own bliss, my very own sacred heart. His soul was pure. His intention was genuine. The gracefulness so often imputed to an angel. I have talked so much of his grace and pleasure. But to what profit? You may presume of me now as the most disagreeable, insolent, arrogant, impudent, insufferable and impertinent towards men. How could I endure? The clemency, the guardianship and the trust I placed upon the propriety belonged by the very pure soul had been just a ring of tale. A misstatement. A prevarication. Even the purest most graceful mercy could lie, fickle and turn away. I was too sure of myself that it has been a mistake. That it was only temporary. That it will return somehow. For months I had refused. But to no avail, an inevitable entity was certain.

Why did he left? Where did he go? I miss him so. Seems like its been forever that he's been gone. Please come back home.

And here I am. Like an autistic. For 3 years. A routine it has been. But a routine to let go. And so the rain falls on me on the gloomy, cooling, soothing day. As i await again for our next rendezvous, i pray upon rising sun to shine upon my life.

Rise and shine Izzy. A greater world awaits you out there.

when asked about living in mistakes and regret...

"Mintak ampun dan bertaubatlah kerana sejahat-jahat hambaNya boleh masuk syurga dan sealim-alim hambaNya boleh masuk neraka. Yang penting adalah akhir perjalanan kita, ke mana hendak kita tuju. Mulakanlah satu langkah perjalanan baru atas keinsafan kita dan lupakan yang lepas. Allah melihat kepada apa yang dibuat sekarang dan bersangka baik pada hambanya dan bukan apa yang telah berlaku kerana Dia itu Maha Pengampun. Tabahkan hati, InsyaAllah, kita berjaya belajar dari kesilapan dan akan berjaya di masa hadapan." - my father love.

.

Its a start of a new dawn.
A new day.
A new shine.
A new darkness.
Its a start of a new beginning.